


The Mirror

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Series: Adoration of LOONA [3]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, LGBTQ Themes, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:54:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23259496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: There's something wrong in Chuu's life. Does she have the courage to change it?
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Kim Jiwoo | Chuu, Park Chaewon | Go Won/Son Hyejoo | Olivia Hye
Series: Adoration of LOONA [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672402
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

“Sorry, 언니, I’ll just be a minute.”

Yves took it in stride. “That’s fine. I’ll wait to order.”

Sometimes Chuu had to calm herself down whenever she and Yves went on their little secret dates. Being with her like this often drew out Chuu’s energy. If she wasn’t careful, she might end up calling the attention of unfriendly eyes. Which were everywhere in Korea, unfortunately.

She returned to the table, giddy but controlled. Yves was holding a menu up in front of her face. Chuu sat down and looked at her own. After a short time, she spoke up.

“What are you in the mood for, 언니?” she asked.

“I think I’ll be having you for dinner,” said another person’s voice.

Chuu gasped and stood up. She grabbed at the interloper’s menu and tossed it aside. Then she nearly had a heart attack.

“What the fuck?”

There was another Chuu sitting across from her, wearing identical clothes. She smiled calmly back.

_No way, no way no how…_

“W-what have you done with Yves?”

The other Chuu shrugged. “She’s around.”

Chuu suddenly noticed the rest of the restaurant was now completely empty, devoid of light and life and sound. They were altogether by their lonesome, she and herself.

“What do you want from me?”

The other Chuu rolled her eyes. “I want nothing from you. I’m perfectly happy the way I am. Can’t you see that?”

She stood up. Chuu glanced down, her eyes fixating on a knife amongst her place setting. She debated grabbing it, but was unable to decide whether to use it on herself or her doppelganger.

Perhaps it was better to just keep running.

“Maybe you should ask yourself what _you’d_ like from _me_ ,” said the other Chuu. She had already rounded the table, and now leaned against the spot the real Chuu had taken. She placed her hand against Chuu’s pounding chest, and made Chuu do the same to her. The other Chuu’s heart was pulsing as gentle as could be.

“We’re the same, 지우,” said the other Chuu. “There’s just one difference between us.”

Chuu closed her eyes, suddenly tearful. The other Chuu left her with a parting thought.

_“I’m the only one here who’s really happy.”_

***

I wake up, to the sensation of Yves’s fingertips rubbing my chest. She lingers there on one breast, until I sigh and squirm. She kisses me, and I feel her getting on top. I am content to let her take the lead.

It feels so good.

When we finish, she cuddles against me, and I hear the other two over in their bed. By the time they are done, Yves has nodded off. But I can’t sleep.

Neither can they. My eyes have adjusted to the dark, and I can see them sitting upright against the headboard. I whisper to them, “Wanna talk?”

They say, “Sure,” and move to sit on the floor in the gap between our beds, so we can hear each other more easily. Behind them I can see bright light from the hallway outside coming in from under the door. A shadow passes by, then I hear a commotion as our plates from dinner are collected.

“What did you want to talk about?” asks GoWon. I hesitate to answer, then slide out from under Yves’s arm and join them on the floor. They’re wearing pajamas, but I’m naked and soon freezing. Olivia pulls the blanket off of their bed and makes room for me. We snuggle there together while I find my words.

“How long are we gonna keep going on like this?”

There is a pause, then Olivia deadpans, “Forever…”

I cringe.

“언니, we don’t have a choice,” says GoWon.

“I know,” I say. “It’s just so frustrating. We’ve gotta leave this room in the morning, and go back to the way things aren’t.”

Yves might have snickered at my wordplay, had she heard it, but the others don’t.

“We don’t mind it too much,” says GoWon.

“Yeah,” says Olivia, “even if we were, you know, _out_ , we’d still have to keep our personal lives a secret.”

I’m not as strong as they are. “Sometimes, it just gnaws at me, like I’m becoming hollow inside.”


	2. Chapter 2

I didn’t notice it at first, but when I did I could hardly believe I’d missed it.

I had no reflection.

I ran my still wet fingertips across the surface of the mirror. Droplets of water adhered to it, appearing as if out of thin air when they no longer touched my skin. I could see right through the space where my heart should be, to the bathroom stalls behind.

_Is this just some kind of prank show? Like, someone built a copy of the restroom, and the mirror is actually a window?_

Then I noticed I could still see my shadow in the mirror.

_What the fuck?_

Words blossomed on the glass, as if a ghost were writing graffiti. They cut me deep, and every fear in my heart was realized by them. I couldn’t run, either; my feet had become rooted to the spot.

_How did they know? How did they find out?_

But then I heard Yves’s voice in my mind: _“Of course they knew. It only matters now that we’re more famous.”_

The words filled the mirror, running together. They poured out into the sink, rivulets begetting lines that begat a pattern. It became a caricature of me, the sum of everything being said to me now.

“Is that what people really think of me?”

***

“Remember when we were on Arirang?”

They nod. “What about it?” asks Olivia.

I take a deep breath. “I figured out what that sign meant.”

“What sign?” says GoWon.

“The one in English, that that foreign girl held up. The one they skipped over during the Q & A.”

“Oh. _Her._ ” Olivia seems to glower in the darkness.

I explain to GoWon what it said. She takes a sharp intake of breath.

“Westerners really don’t have a filter, do they?” she murmurs.

“They see right through us,” I say. “They’re more open about things. With each other.” _Not like we are, in Korea._ An entire country in constant denial.

“It kind of makes me want to emigrate,” admits Olivia. “If only I wouldn’t have to speak English.”


	3. Chapter 3

“How do the concepts of masculinity and femininity differ in the rest of the world?”

The professor looks around, eyebrows raised in a friendly demeanor. Only HaSeul raises her hand.

“Well, they have pretty strict differences in America…”

The professor strokes his chin thoughtfully. “But isn’t that the same here?”

She shakes her head. “No, theirs are actually more strict.”

“In what way? I would have thought that the rapid acceptance of gay marriage in the states would indicate otherwise.”

Courage deserts poor HaSeul, and she shrinks back from the discussion. But at least she spoke up. I just hope he doesn’t call on me.

“What does gay marriage have to do with masculinity or femininity?” asks JinSoul.

“Everything, wouldn’t you think? Traditionally, straight men have seen homosexuality as a threat against their masculinity. So it would follow that a society becoming tolerant of gay marriage would become less strict about gender roles and the like.”

Yves pipes up next to me. She makes me nervous like this.

“Could we get a definition of masculine and feminine? Different cultures might think of them in different ways, so if we’re not talking about the same thing this’ll get even more confusing.”

The professor slaps his forehead. “You’re absolutely right. Ten points to Gryffindor!”

We all giggle at his joke.

“I suppose, if we want to make it simple, we could define masculinity as ‘being tough—’"

“You mean _‘being an asshole,’”_ says Kim Lip. Her sarcasm allows us all to relax.

“I suppose that’s as good a description as any,” admits the professor. “And being feminine would appear to mean the opposite.”

“But sir,” interjects Heejin, “we’re all clearly feminine here, but being idols has also made us tough.”

“Yeah,” adds Hyunjin, “and what about you? You’re nice, so does that make you effeminate?”

For a moment, the professor seems overwhelmed. We start to take over the class ourselves, and he sort of fades into the background. I never really notice him again after that.

“Okay,” says Yeojin, “we know they’re more accepting of some of us in America, and yet HaSeul 언니 says their gender roles are strict. How is this possible?”

“That’s easy,” says Choerry. “They’ve separated being gay from being effeminate, or vice versa. Over there, you can be all hypermasculine, and as long as you don’t talk a certain way, you’re not any less of a man.”

“And they don’t have the same preconceived notions about lesbians, either,” says Vivi.

“Then why do they keep saying stuff about us?” asks Olivia.

Silence greets her, then HaSeul stirs. I think she is trying to find her courage again to respond. Which is good, since she’s the only one of us who might understand the truth.

“I think it’s because…”

***

“What are you talking about?”

Yves’s voice makes me flinch a little. I wasn’t expecting a jump scare.

“Oh, you know. Life, and love, and all that.”

I get up and crawl back into bed with her. GoWon and Olivia go back to theirs. They fall asleep before I do.

My love’s body feels so soft and warm, under the covers. I give her a peck on the cheek and snuggle against her, but I don’t think she’s satisfied with my response. She keeps running her finger up and down my hip. I have to tell her.

“I don’t think I can go on much longer, hiding like this…”

Her finger stops as she tenses up beneath me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That professor is supposed to be the same one from Chuu's show "Necessary Dating Education".


	4. Chapter 4

“So, you’ve consistently hit number one on iTunes charts all over the world, including here in the U.S. Why do you think that is?”

HaSeul isn’t here with us, so we struggle to answer James Corden’s question. Yves makes a go of it.

“I think it’s more than just talent. I think our message resonates with a lot of people around the world.” I am so proud of her. And of myself, for being able to follow along.

“That’s interesting, because for the first couple of years it seemed you were sustained mainly by your foreign fans. You’re only just now gaining proper recognition in South Korea itself.”

“We’re so very grateful,” she says. And we are.

“I was just wondering what exactly your message was, and what about it had such appeal.”

Yves swallows nervously. GoWon and Olivia look very uncomfortable next to us. But we knew this day would have to come eventually.

I squeeze my love’s hand in support.

“Our message is about…different kinds of love. And, um…”

“But I think all of us here are interested in a very _particular_ love. That’s why we invited you here, specifically.”

I look around, and it’s just the four of us. From yyxy.

“And I understand that it’s a touchy subject. But surely you can see from the music videos, and some of the lyrics, that—”

“Is this ‘ _mansplaining_?’” blurts out Olivia. I don’t think she meant to hurt his feelings, but right now he seems to be blushing to death.

GoWon speaks up. “Look, we know what it looks like. But we’re not going to give you the answer you want. Where we’re from, no one is direct with such things. People don’t even like to look each other in the eye. People are superficial. They hide behind veneers.”

“If we were open about who we are,” says Yves, “they would destroy us.”

Corden manages to recover somewhat. “But it’s so blatant, it’s not even a secret or a lie anymore!”

Yves turns her nose at him. “You just don’t understand Korea.”

He shrugs. “You’re right, I don’t. But I do understand something else. Your fans adore you, and it goes beyond listening to good music. People are projecting their desires onto you. They want desperately for it to be true, that you’re in love and singing to each other, not just to strangers like themselves. Western music artists have a reputation, whether it’s deserved or not. People like to think their idols are speaking through their work, that they are being true to themselves. It helps give people meaning in their lives, and in your case, not knowing the truth, even when it looks so obvious to us, is like a psychological torture.”

“No, wait.” I can’t believe I’m speaking up. “We knew what we were doing when we made that video. You’ve all got the right interpretation.”

A hush falls over the studio, then there are whispers full of cheer. Corden beams, and asks us about how we fell in love.

I lie to him.

“I said you understood the song correctly, I didn’t say you knew anything about us.”

I look over at Yves. I hope she understands.

“We’re just best friends.”

Corden is upset. “You really were all just playing a role?”

“Yes.”

He frowns. “You’re inauthentic.”

I hesitate, then nod.

“All that love your fans have given you, it’s all for nothing.”

The studio feels like a haunted cave. I look at the audience, at the disappointment on their faces. I see a girl holding a sign, with tears in her eyes.

She’s so hurt.

“Why are you all like this?” asks Olivia. Her voice breaks my heart with its sadness.

“Because we thought we knew you,” says the girl. “We thought you meant what you were saying.”

_But we do mean it._ I close my eyes.

***

Yves never answers me. We lie there together, and I know she’s fallen back to sleep when her breathing changes. I stay awake for longer, but I must eventually fall asleep because I have some really weird dreams. I can’t remember any of them, however.

I wake up again, and blue early morning light is peeking in from behind the curtains. It reminds me of a poem or two from _Doki Doki Literature Club_ , a game I’ve not played in a long while. I give a start when I realize the name of the character who wrote those poems is Yuri.

That’s really fucking funny.

I drift in and out of consciousness, until the blue light is replaced with an intense yellow-orange. It actually scares me a little, how bright the sunbeam is. Eventually, it diminishes to something more normal, by which time everyone else is starting to wake up. The other two take turns in the bathroom, and I have just a little more privacy with Yves.

A request forms on my lips, and she looks at me expectantly.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I'm selfish. I want it to be true, that 지우 and 수영 are in love, and that it is romantic, not platonic. (I am less committed to the idea of 채원 and 혜주, mainly because they are not so blatant; there's little chemistry to be seen between them.) I don't even really know why, I mean, I definitely have the hots for them, but imagining them together doesn't make my temperature rise. It's almost transcendent, like the universe cannot contain something so sweet. As a fan, I feel this love for them from afar (for the others, too) that overwhelms me sometimes.
> 
> When I first saw "Heart Attack," my jaw hit the floor. Same with the rose petal scene in "love4eva". I couldn't believe they went there! And then I heard denials that this is exactly what they meant. There are plenty of rumors "confirming" it, but not knowing for sure is a psychological torture.
> 
> That's why I consider myself selfish.
> 
> Also, kudos to that chick who held up the "Lesbians Love LOONA" sign on Arirang. My jaw hit the floor then, too.


End file.
